The Big News

So, our family and close friends all know the big news.

No, I'm not pregnant.

But hopefully, someone will be pregnant soon. Last year, in January, I became a registered egg donor. Around April I was notified that a couple in Colorado was considering me and another donor; they ended up choosing the other donor. It wasn't until October that I was notified again. But this time it was different; I wasn't on alert that the couple had to finish deciding, they had already picked me. 

I absolutely love them with everything I am. I have no idea who they are, what they look like or what kind of car they drive. I don't know what they do for work, who their parents are, or who their best friends are. In fact, the only things I really know about them is what fertility center they go to, the doctor they see and that they live in Canada. That's really it. But I already feel like I've known them forever. 

So, why egg donation? Well, short answer, I'm not old enough to be a surrogate, yet. I know the joy that Ivory brings to us and it breaks my heart to know that there are people out there who long to have children of their own, and that they simply can't. In Utah, the law says you have to be twenty-one to be a surrogate. It was after I found this crushing news that I began my research. Could I carry for someone out of state where the law says I'm old enough? No. Could I move temporarily to a state where I could do it? No. I searched and searched until I found a California based company called Extraordinary Conceptions; a place that helps intended parents find surrogates, and egg donors. While I wasn't, and am still not, old enough to be a surrogate, I was old enough to donate my eggs. So, extremely excited I talked to Jack. He was also extremely excited. So I went through the process of becoming a registered egg donor.

What does this mean now? Well, we've already done rounds of blood work, the removal of my Mirena IUD (great story by the way,) had a couple ultrasounds, received our passports to travel to Toronto, underwent a psychological evaluation, and muscled through legal work. Throughout all of these events I'm so filled with love for this couple and what they are doing. I love them for their struggles, for their hardships, and for their desire to bring a child into this world. Not just any child, their child.

Of those who have known about this, I've received a lot of questions; I'm sure that I'll receive many more. I've been asked if it's going to be weird to know that I have a child in another country who is being raised by someone else. Well, short answer, not even a little bit. The fact of the matter is that this child will not be mine, not even remotely. This child is, and has always been and will always be, the child of my IPs. I'm only helping them to bring into this life what is already their kin. I'm so grateful to be given the opportunity to be apart of a new life.

I've been asked who this couple is that I'm donating to. I have no idea, as I've said. Egg donation, like sperm donation, is an anonymous process. I have given a statement that should the IPs want to meet us, we would absolutely love to know them! However, if they ask to have an anonymous donation, that is what it will be.

Because of the timing of this and other life events, sadly, Jack won't be able to accompany me on this trip (but hopefully, he will be able to in the future!) I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law who is willing to take the time to go with me so we can continue our cycle. I'm very blessed to have such an amazing family! This is a huge undertaking for us and I will be sad to not have my husband physically next to me; he sacrifices so much to serve others, he's a truly humble and caring soul! However, I'm so grateful that I have so much support from him and others that I know I will not be alone going through this procedure. Knowing that he will still be supporting me from the other side of the globe is such a beautiful comfort to have, and one I will endlessly be humbled and grateful for!

Basically, this is our big news. We're helping a family become whole; bringing a child to their parents. It's exciting! It's fun! And it will be an incredibly grand adventure.

Please, don't be shy if you're curious or wondering. I would love to answer any questions or explain aspects of this process!

When Are You Going to Have Number Two?

Jack and I are frequently asked, "When are you going to have number two?" This is usually answered with a half-hearted, "Oh, we're working on it!" Or something along those lines. What I want to scream is, "NEVER! So, stop asking."

I know that it is a completely harmless question, so I don't hold any resentment to those who ask. Sometimes I just wish I could take people by the shoulders and make them understand how badly I want Ivory to be an only child. Is this a selfish desire? Oh yes, entirely. I almost can't handle the thought of another child. Not because I wouldn't love them, but because I want to protect them from being precisely that, number two.

I am terrified to have a number two. I'm heartbroken to think that I could cause someone the pain of being number two. I couldn't bear bringing a beautiful spirit into this world, just to have them live their life in the shadow of someone else.

I am a number two.

I actually feel more like a number 6, but I know that I'm a number two. I can't handle the thought of my child growing up and feeling the way I do. That, to me, is more selfish than keeping Ivory an only child.

When you have a child, there is an instant, deep, intimate and emotional bond that you form with them. There's nothing you wouldn't do for them, no challenge you wouldn't overcome for them; and in a way it cripples your ability to be a parent. You become a friend. It's one of the easiest parenting mistakes to make, and I'm terrified that I will make it. You gain a unique friendship with your oldest child, and every subsequent child becomes, you guessed it, number two.

When you're number two, you're never as much, or as good, as number one. Your accomplishments aren't nearly as impressive, and your mistakes are less pardonable. There comes a point when the friendship that was formed long before you existed is more important. The big moments in your life aren't as big, because someone else has already done them; and any big moment in your that hasn't already been done becomes a constant guilt trip. How could you have the audacity to usurp the greatness that came before you?

The reality is, I'm terrified that I won't be able to give a second child the love, the attention, and the treatment they deserve. There are so many wonderful mothers that have so many children who are all dearly loved. I am in awe of them. I worry that I can't do what they can. When it comes down to it, I'm sure that we will have at least one more child. But, I'm also sure that it won't be anytime soon. So, you may ask us as much as you want when we'll bring another sweet spirit into this world, and I will smile every time. I know that now isn't the time, and I know that we will have many more changes in our lives before that time comes. As it is now, I'm not ready, Ivory isn't ready, Jack's not ready, and our little boo isn't ready to come to Earth yet. For a baby is never late, nor is he ever early, but rather, he arrives precisely when he means.

Excuses.

They don't work

I never realized that fact until I was laden with responsibility. After only having to worry about myself and my education, I was suddenly saddled with the tasks of maintaining a household, raising a small person to let out into the world, and foster a loving and enduring intimacy with my life long and eternal partner.

Life has a funny way of throwing all of its worst possible twists and turns at you ALL AT ONCE. Every time. There are times when you feel like things are slipping through your fingers and you're helpless to stop them from happening. The stress turns to blame and your frustrations begin to cloud your life. In these moments we are so wrought with distress that it's absolutely impossible for you to control ALL of your emotions.  The only relief we seem to be able to grasp is so simple a human can do it. We make excuses.

This is the struggle I fight with often when I deal with my spouse. It is way too easy to take your bad day/week/month out on your spouse. I mean, they're just RIGHT there, ALWAYS in your face. EVERY TIME you turn around; sitting on your last nerve. You explode. You can't help it, you had just a really super awful day at work. I am so guilty of this. I am constantly taking my bad attitude out on an extremely loving and patient husband. I really am rotten to him; I wish I could take back all those moments, but all we can do is work through them and move on. Everyday we get just slightly better at saying, "Sweetheart, I'm not mad at you. I'm in a bad mood and I have no reason to treat you the way I'm treating you. I'm sorry." Why is that so hard for us to say? "I'm responsible for my actions, and I apologize for my decisions." They're simple words; four syllables at the max.

If there's anything that being a "Weekend Warrior"'s spouse has taught me, it's that patience, communication, and understanding will defuse any situation and get you halfway to a solution. I don't get the pleasure of icing out my husband for days because of something he did to make me mad, because everyday I'm just grateful that we both woke up; and in the same bed no less! Love is patient; endlessly patient. This is demonstrated best by a parent, who will still love their toddler despite the fact that she just HAS to get into everything. EVERY. THING. EVER. Love communicates, endlessly. This is a skill the military taught me. There are occasions when my husband will turn off everything, including the lights, and we'll sit in the dark and just talk. About anything, everything. All of our stresses, insecurities, dreams; it brings me so much closer to him and helps me to understand who he is and what he wants out of life. In those moments in the dark I fall in love with him all over again. Love is understanding, always. It's a real challenge to understand something outside of yourself, especially when it comes to another human being.

So why am I ranting at you about some super boring blah blah relationship blah? Excuses. I have struggled and failed and struggled and failed to come to terms with the fact that every single excuse ever, is just stupid. Like, so stupid. I honestly struggle to find a good excuse. Nothing solidifies this more to me than having a toddler. She can't say much, but she seriously has the WORST excuses, ever. There's not a good excuse I can think of, so if you have one please let me know, because I'd certainly love to dodge some blame.

It's interesting to see what people are willing to hide behind. As I have previously mentioned, I was raised in The Church, you know, THE Church in Utah. Mormons. I love my gospel and have a very personal and deep relationship with my Savior, as well as a very personal and deep testimony. Key word: Personal. Deeply personal. To me, in my opinion, your beliefs are like your sex life. You really enjoy it, and it's like, super awesome. Sometimes you wonder if people are as satisfied with sex as you are. Some rad stuff goes on in your sheets, and you might tell some close girlfriends about your bedroom romps. That being said, you don't go put it on Facebook. More specifically, you don't go put it on Facebook and expect everyone to praise your sex life and get super excited about it. You certainly don't get upset when someone dare say something against your sex life or make a joke about it. If you wouldn't tell the world about what you do in the bedroom and tell them that they need to live their sex life like yours, why would you do the same thing about something else that is PERSONAL?

Religion is an excuse that people LOVE to hide behind. It's like people can't even question your decisions when you throw up that religion wall. "I can't because I'm (fill in the blank.)" Mormon. Atheist. Christian. Buddhist. Muslim. Jewish. Agnostic. Whatever. What you really mean to say is, "I don't wanna." And that's totally cool. NO one is going to argue with you if you make a decision and OWN it.

People will hide behind ANYTHING. And they love it, because nothing ever has to be their fault.

"I'm justified in making this decision because I feel that the religious beliefs I was raised with suppressed my inner me, so don't judge my terrible life decisions!"

"Other people convinced me that I didn't believe something, but somebody else who I would've jumped through fire-lit hoops for totally convinced me that I was previously mislead, so clearly I'm making my own decision; so don't judge my decisions because Jesus told me I was right!"

"I can't control my own emotions because this one time I had a really bad time; so I have the right to believe that no one else ever has any misfortunes, so if you're not feeling bad for me and telling me how awesome I am, you're clearly not supportive."

Am I a jerk that these are the things I hear when people make excuses? I hear myself say ludicrous things all the time. I imagine those excuses coming out of my daughter and I just think to myself, how hard would I smack her in the mouth if she said what I'm saying now?




Thankfully, I have the world's most patient and loving husband, who is endlessly supportive and makes me long to be a better person. I know my excuses are terrible; he knows my excuses are terrible. I am so helplessly human, but everyday we're all doing just a little bit better.

Right?

You're Good Enough For You; That's Good Enough.

The saying is that you learn something new everyday. How true this is. Every day, I grow 24 hours older and gain 24 hours more experience that comes with 24 hours worth of new knowledge. Along with an extra 24 hours worth of frustrations, head aches, heart breaks, successes, and new opportunities. Of course, this is all nicely wrapped with a hope that tomorrow will be better; because no matter how your day went, you can always use a better day tomorrow. Over a lifetime we accumulate seemingly unfathomable hours worth of learning; but there's one lesson that I can't get off my mind lately.

Every minute, every day I'm coming closer to fulfilling a deeply held dream of mine; one I feel passionate about. When we first got the news I was so excited! However, I managed to maintain a cautious composure and decided, with Jack, to only share this impending news with those who are close to us. One by one, the news was shared and family and friends were delighted.


Mostly.


My train got derailed at full speed when I was suddenly faced with a negative response. I was shocked; I was angry; I was hurt. How was this accomplishment that is so close to my heart be interpreted as negative in any light? My heart broke as I realized that I wasn't getting the recognition that I wanted.

Thinking back on my feelings, they're honestly childish. I think it had such a huge impact on me because the response came from a source that I felt should have been more supportive than anyone else. But it wasn't. I dare even call it jealousy, and I'll admit to it. I have grown
up my whole life in the shadow, slipping through the cracks. Never really being there and not being acknowledged by anyone, but in the room the entire time. I watched praise and continue to watch praise be handed out to others over, what I feel, to be lesser accomplishments than mine. I never knew what kind of psychological effect being invisible had on me until I met the love of my life and best friend. I never recognized the toll I allowed it to take on my self esteem. 

It took me a while to accept the fact that I wasn't ever going to get the recognition I wanted, and that's okay. It's more than okay really, it's great. Going through this has forced me to stop and look at myself; and I realized that I'm proud of myself. That's all that matters in the end. We will go through our entire lives and at no point will we have absolute approval of everyone around us; and that is completely okay. Someone will always be the small voice that tells you no, that tells you that you can't do it, that tells you that you'll fail. The beauty is that the voice really is tiny, even though sometimes it seems to be the only thing that we can hear. We can push past it and say you're wrong, I can!

After analyzing it all, I realize that the fault is mine. I allowed myself to stay silent. I told myself that I was fine on my own. I was, and am still, a very independent woman who knows what she wants. I did my own thing; but as I reached my adult years and remained independent, I realized I never let anyone get close to me. I always kept to myself because I couldn't let myself down. Part of me longs for those connections that every little girl has into her adult years. The more logical part of me is grateful for the opportunity I have to create and reinforce my lifelong relationships with a better understanding of life and my dreams and ambitions. I have found my value, and as a consequence found a close knit family that recognizes my value. 

Part of growing up is realizing that adults really have no idea what they're doing. It's a shock when you figure out that the adults in your life were never perfect, that they made mistakes, that they're human. Even worse, in that moment it's solidified that you're human, that you will fail, that you will make mistakes. The cheering squad you had while you were growing up has gone silent; and in some instances have gone on the offensive to break you down and belittle your dreams.

So, I've reached this point now where I've felt the absence of support. What do I do now? Where do I turn?

I've started to learn that I can turn to myself. I know what I want, and I know how to get it; and now as I'm reaching my goals and conquering my dreams, I don't feel the emptiness I did before. My best is good enough for me, and that's good enough. I don't need a pedestal; I don't need to be cheered; heck, I don't even need acknowledgement that I actually got off my butt and did something today, because I know that I accomplished something.

I can turn to those that I surround myself with. I have had the pleasure and fortune to fall deeply and madly in love with an amazing, selfless and inspiring man. In turn, I have been adopted into a warm and caring family of brilliant and giving people. I have carved out a place of my own within a wonderful, supportive and loving group of friends that I fondly call my very own handpicked family.

I'm proud of what I've done and where I am now. I am the best mom I can possibly be, and I think I'm doing a pretty dang good job. Sure, I get told "Mama, no!" on a daily basis and occasionally have to walk away from a grocery store meltdown, but I'm also cuddled, loved and followed around the house. I get copied when I'm brushing my hair and have to stop halfway through doing my make-up so that she can also apply "blush" and candy flavored chap stick. I'm a stellar wife, and I've got a pretty stellar husband to prove it. He's absolutely spoiled because he absolutely spoils me. He is an extremely dedicated provider, husband and father; I'd like to think I'm just as much a mother and wife as he is a father and husband. I work hard to accomplish my goals, and even though things get tough, I always pull through.

At the end of the day, I have a beautiful, loving family, great friends and a bright future. That's all that matters.

You Will Quit After One Mile

It is an amazing world we live in today. Between the technology of the internet, smart phones and social media we can easily keep up with the world around us. What a blessing it is to be so connected with something bigger than ourselves.

However, all new technologies come with their own share of struggles. When the automobile was invented, the new technology allowed us to traverse distances faster than we could before. The automobile came with it's own dangers; we made seat belts, air bags, anti-lock brakes and a whole slew of other safety features, albeit over a few years and a lot of casualties (mostly to testing dummies.) But we move forward and make the technology safer everyday. The same goes for this new frontier that is the internet, and by the same token, social media. No, I am not begrudging that today's generation won't feel the sun's rays on their face. In fact, there are plenty of self-helpers out there that offer all sorts of nifty tricks to protect our children on the internet. I merely want to highlight some short comings of us flawless adults. 

Mommy wars. Rumors. Narcissism. Privacy intrusions. Bullying. Stress. Lack of feelings of accomplishment. Time taken away from pursuing accomplishments. Over sharing. These are big kid, grown up problems. As great as it is to have such a large outreach, it certainly comes at a cost. When you put yourself out there, immediately, there are those who pick away at every error and mistake they find. Every single one of them, whether they are really there or not.

Half-way through my senior year in high school, I was put on truancy. My mom had to come in and meet with my counselor and assistant principal, without me in the room for the first half of the meeting. They told her that if I missed more than five days of school between then and the end of the year that they would take her to court. We tried to explain that I had a chronic condition; we offered my diagnosis and prescriptions, anything to show them what was going on. They dismissed it all. My mom and I found it ludicrous that they would punish her for my schooling, she wasn't the one enrolled, was she? We decided to sign me out of school. I'm a high school dropout, and I didn't mind. I never even ordered my cap and gown at the beginning of the year (oops.) I immediately went to get my GED through Stevens-Henager. I was so proud of my scores that I took them back to show my tutor, who then proceeded to take me through the school to show everyone how well I had done. 

RUCKER, SYLVEE MARIE Battery Average: 714 Status: PASSED

Version: GED 2002 Center Language Date Form Standard Score Percentile Rank Language Arts, Writing Utah Valley University English 3/27/2012 ID 750 99 Social Studies Utah Valley University English 3/27/2012 ID 600 84 Science Utah Valley University English 3/27/2012 ID 710 98 Language Arts, Reading Utah Valley University English 3/27/2012 ID 800 99 Mathematics Utah Valley University English 3/27/2012 ID 710 98

These are my scores, I share them with you for a purpose. I got my high school diploma before the rest of my class even printed their graduation announcements. I was so proud of myself. But then I was suddenly torn down. I was told, repeatedly, over the course of a couple weeks by one particular person how they were graduating and walking, and how I wasn't. Keep in mind that this person, I know for a fact, got his diploma on, at best, a D average. But he was walking and I wasn't. Also enjoy the fact that I had to cover his shift at work, last minute, because apparently to get your diploma you don't have to have to foresight to, heaven forbid, write your own graduation off. Or ask someone to cover your shift a week earlier when the schedule came out. But the Lord knows, he was so much more clever than me because he walked. And I didn't. 

It was such a small voice, and one I didn't care too much for, but it got under my skin somehow. It was all I could hear in that moment. Were my accomplishments nothing? Did my perfect score in reading mean nothing if I didn't walk across that stage? I wasn't remorseful, and I don't regret my decisions, but for some reason it knocked me down momentarily. Why did such a small voice shake me?

After finding our sweet little blessing that is our daughter, Jack and I decided to have a natural birth. My sister helped me sign up for a Hypnobabies course with a beautifully strong and brilliant woman named Jamie. We were so proud of our decision. But then the voices came. "Oh, that's going to be really tough for you." "Just wait, once you go into labor you'll be BEGGING for an epidural." "I wouldn't do that, I would get an epidural right when you get to the hospital." We shook. People told me I was crazy; people still tell me I'm crazy for wanting a natural birth. They ask me if I hated myself for making that decision. We continued our course. The voices started asking if we were having a boy or a girl. We had decided to wait until the baby was born so that Jack could tell everyone "It's a ___!" We were so proud of our decision. Still the voices said, "You won't know what clothes to buy." "You can just tell me, I'll keep the secret." "Just let the doctor tell me so I know what to buy." We shook a bit more; but we smiled and said, "We love surprises." 

I labored naturally until my cervix began to swell, I chose an epidural over a cesarean section. I hit the button maybe twice. I continued my Hypnobabies techniques. I pushed like a champ and there she was, bright eyed and perfect. I was able to breast feed her, and she latched on quickly. Even when the voices said, "You won't be able to breast feed her long, you'll give up soon enough." "It's just too hard."

Why? What on earth would compel you to say those things to a pregnant woman, or a new mother? Why would you seek after her to tear her down? Why would you tell her that she couldn't do it? Poor Kate got a whole mess of people picking at her desire for a natural birth. Why, especially as a woman who has already experienced child birth, would you tell another woman that she can't do it unless she does it the way you did? 

Some friends of our recently got married and are expecting a bouncing baby boy any day now. They are the sweetest couple and they love each other so much. I'm so excited for them and so happy that they're starting their family. After their wedding, he updated his status to reflect the joy he felt knowing that he could be with the love of his life for eternity. While Jack was at work and talking to another friend of his this status came up in their discussion. As they were talking about it his friend said something about how the status made him laugh and THEN had the audacity to say that he was thinking of commenting "What, did you get married in the temple?" 

I can't even wrap my head around this statement; it seriously makes my blood boil. I'm amazed that someone can even have that thought about someone else. This is certainly not a comment made by a humble and modest person. This wasn't something you would hear Jesus say. This wasn't a comment made out of love, or kindness, or any good feeling at all.

When we make these comments, whether in person or behind the protection of the internet, we actively try to knock others down. Sometimes, these things are just our opinion and we don't think about what we're really saying. A wise woman once said that it's like telling someone who wants to run a marathon that they will quit after one mile. That they will start the race and then be begging for the pace car to carry them the rest of the way. I certainly couldn't run a marathon, and I probably would be the one on the pace car crying after 50 feet, but I couldn't imagine telling my mom that she couldn't finish her race. Why do we, as logically thinking and mature adults, do this to each other?

We struggle through mommy wars. Any picture you post of your child is swimming with the evidence of your short-comings. People are quick to jump on the fact that when you snapped the picture of your baby in their new car seat that the chest strap isn't nearly high enough. And no, I'm not talking about a quick, kind reminder. I'm talking full-fledged, abusive language, "how dare you...!" comments that are malicious and cruel. We feel the pressure to throw bigger and better parties, buy bigger and better gifts, have bigger and better trophies and have an overall bigger and better life. We're shamed when our children aren't wearing THE clothes, THOSE shoes or THAT backpack. You catch looks of disgust when your 5-year old is aware of his "penis." You catch looks of pity when your 14-year old gets pregnant because you didn't teach her about sex. Oh boy, those dirty words! At any rate, you're not mommy-ing right, and those voices will let you know in whispers and shouts.

We deal with cyber-bullying, from adults and children alike. We fight in vein against quick sweeping and damaging rumors spread through social media. Narcissism gets a chance to rear its head through "selfies" and over-sharing. Our self-confidence takes a hit when pictures of the ideal girlfriend show up on our newsfeed, and we realize that our boobs may not touch the wall before our nose does. We get stuck in a permanent game of catch-up with those with perfect internet lives.We dedicate all of our time to the internet to prove our worthiness to the social media gods. We sacrifice time with our families so we can keep up with our internet image.

Our children are subjected to a hyper-exposed world, and that's okay. So long as we teach them that sometimes, you will be shaken. But as long as your roots are strong, there is no billowing wind that can knock you down. We show them through example how to be patient, kind, loving and humble individuals who support each other in our endeavors. We can teach them moderation and balance in their lives. We can show them that the immortality of the internet is not worth their mortal lives. We can hug them tight, show them love, and let them know that our arms are always open.

You can't take the internet with you.

MPs. They Don't Matter As Much As You Want Them To.

I will start by saying this: I was born and raised in the LDS religion. I absolutely love my faith and it brings me joy. I love having the Gospel and its blessings in my life. However, I don't always love the people that I come in contact with as a result of "Utah County culture."

You know, Utah Mormons.

Utah County, Utah Mormons.

We hear about it all the time, but you never realize how off-putting they are until you're suddenly the outcast. I've gone to church my whole life and have, what I think, is a very strong and beautiful testimony of my Lord and his teachings. But, despite my personal love of the gospel, I don't get admittance into the club. Why? Because I don't have enough MPs.

MPs are what I call Mormon Points. If you don't have as much or more than everybody else, then you are a poor excuse for a human being. As much as I hate it, it hurts. I understand why people turn away from the church. It's, usually, not out of malice or rebellion. They turn away because they've been turned away. It hurts me to know that they are losing such a beautiful blessing in their lives because of the imperfection of people. Humans who are flawed. All of us; every single last one of us.

So what MPs could you be missing that could dismiss you from the club? Well, first things first.

Missions. Missions are great ways for young men and women to strengthen themselves and experience a culture different than their own. However, not everyone should go on a mission. If you have to lie to your bishop or stake president to go on a mission, you should probably work on yourself a bit before you start working on other people. If you're simply going to appease the wishes or expectations of your parents/friends/dying grandmother, you're probably not going to learn much or have an enjoyable experience. Missions have shifted from a personal experience for growth and knowledge to a social necessity if you ever want to get married.

Temple marriage. They are beautiful and wonderful things. I treasure the experience I had getting sealed to my family and it was a beautiful and awe-inspiring experience. However, being married in the temple is a bit of a moot point if, once again, you have to lie to your bishop or stake president to get your recommend. Temple worthiness is not just a phrase to toss around. If you have to "get it all out of our systems" before you go talk to your bishop, maybe you should just get married civilly so you don't have to feel guilty about the premarital sex that you're already having. It is gut-wrenching to know that there are those who take such a solemn and spiritual event and turn it into a social check point. It's also disheartening to think of all the couples that rush to the temple so that they can have a sex life without the social black marks. And it kills me to watch couples struggle with a marriage they didn't think through because they were relying on the fact that they got married in the temple to make all of their marital woes disappear. I'm sorry kids, but I've said it before. It doesn't matter if you wait until you're 25, until you have Bachelor's degrees, until you do a rain dance next to a burning spider, or even until you get married in the temple; the divorce rate is 50%. Their is no magical thing you can do to guarantee your marriage, and that includes getting married in the temple.

While we're on the topic of marriage, we'll include the MP of marriage to a man/woman who is a member. Also included is converting, preferably immediately, your spouse should they not be a member. If you marry a man outside of the religion, you better convert him and give him the Priesthood ASAP, because God only cares that he holds the Priesthood despite his Friday/Saturday night habits. This is where I have a giant black mark across my entire face. When I go to church with just me and Ivory, I see you whisper to your wife. I can feel you staring at me. And no, your sympathetic "Oh honey." look you give me in Sunday School actually doesn't make me feel better. Quite frankly, I feel just fine so keep your snarky comments to yourself and pick your jaw up off the floor.

Naturally, there are bonus MPs for converting someone's spouse for them. So it's perfectly acceptable to show up at their house at 9 pm with the sister missionaries from their ward while they may or may not be getting it on since they hardly see each other during the week. Just invite yourself in. They love that.

Don't forget all the MPs you rack up when your children go on missions, so be sure to buy their willingness with promise of rewards. Then the extra bonus MPs you get when your now returned missionary gets married in the temple two weeks after they get home from their missions. Plus you earn a temporary MP multiplier when you graduate to bishop by hosting every ward event ever at your home. You get MPs for inviting your neighbor to church activities, or offering to take their children to church even when you have no children of your own. It's not even creepy because you're buying your way into Jesus Town!

And I never even realized how bad it was until I was thrown from the club for not having enough points. It doesn't matter that I love my husband and support him in anything and everything he does. It doesn't matter that I sacrifice sleep to make his morning coffee or stay up all night with him the day before his deployment. Because I clearly don't love him enough to bully him into thinking my way with guilt trips or threatening his status with me by macking out on some poor RM. It doesn't matter that I work my butt off for my daughter to have everything she could ever dream of. It doesn't matter that I am kind and loving and understanding of her. Because I don't love her enough to tell her I'll disown her if she moved out with her boyfriend or throw chairs at her until she finally submits to what I want her to do. I'm not a worthy mother or wife because I haven't bullied my family into putting those fake smiles on every morning and pretending that they've never made a mistake in their lives.

Somehow because of my lack of MPs, I'm no longer eligible for "The Lord's Full Blessing" which I assume is some desperate attempt to find something wrong with someone who disagrees with you.

Unfortunately, I don't mind being the black sheep. I will give up all my MPs, yes, even the life time membership ones, to be the best mother, wife and person I could possibly be. Because I know that they, just like money, don't go with you. And I know that you are all intelligent, loving, gentle and kind enough to feel the same.

So before you say or do anything, stop, and think about how it will effect who you're talking about or talking to. All of your MPs might just scare them away from their own beautiful experience.

Things to Never Say to a Military Spouse. You Know, Like, Ever.

As the hours rush away from me and the moment when I will have to cowgirl up and watch the love of my life fly away on his next great adventure, I notice people around me struggle to comfort me. It is really difficult to understand a situation that you have never faced. It's hard enough for me, as a military spouse myself, to understand the struggles of other military couples. This is simply because I haven't ever had to face the daunting daily lives they have.

 I am amazed, every time they pop up on my news feed, at the strength of some very awe-inspiring people; Jack's dear friend Clint and the ever beautiful Shantavia. I'm sure I creep them out, because I creep on them from time to time, but I so look up to them. They are stationed pretty much as far away from each other as they possibly can be without leaving the United States; but they are so strong. They love each other so dearly, and you can tell. I hope one day to be as strong as they are; because I'm sure they also have to deal with people who don't understand them on top of their difficult situation. And that is extremely trying.

Here are some things to avoid when trying to comfort a military spouse.

1. "At least they're not..." This has got to be my number one. "At least they're not going to..." "At least they're not leaving for __________ long..." Yes, it is great that he isn't doing "______" or going for "____ long," but what he IS doing and how long he IS going is difficult for me. Reminding me that things could be worse doesn't make me feel better. When you're having a bad day do you appreciate it when someone reminds you that you could be getting eaten alive by a wild pack of dogs? No. Because that's not what you're dealing with; and it will only invoke a jaw-dropped stare to find its way to your face. Thanks though.

2. "I haven't seen my girlfriend/boyfriend for ___ days." Wow, that really sucks. That sucks that you haven't seen someone who probably lives in the same state as you for a couple hours; maybe even the same county. I really do hope that you'll start feeling better. All I ask is that you don't tell me all the time, because it just shows me that I'll probably fall apart within a matter of hours. I'm trying to wear my big girl pants here.

3. "I don't think he deserves _________ because he hasn't done ________." That's really awesome that you have your own opinion, but I'm going to have to vehemently disagree with you. I'm going to Momma Bear up and tell you, as nicely as I can, that you couldn't pay me enough to make it okay that my husband is gone. He is not going to be here. How much money is enough to make you feel comfortable enough to give days of your life to someone else? What about those days of special significance? Would it cost a little bit more for you to miss your child's birth or their first steps? How much for your only child's graduation, or the last day before your spouse dies in a tragic accident? If you disagree with the insultingly small amount of reward my husband receives for volunteering his life and his family for everyone else in America, you can pony up and pay me yourself. I'll let you know when you've done enough.

4. "That's not so bad." You're right, it could be worse. Please tell me how long you've been in line to do it yourself? If it's not so bad, or "not a big deal," then why haven't you stepped up to the plate? Do you realize how small the percent is of Americans that serve in the military? If it's "not so bad" and "not a big deal," why don't more people do it? News flash, any amount of service, however small it may seem to you, is a big deal. Helping an old woman cross the street changes two lives just in that instance. Service, whatever it may be, has an exponential affect on the world. It's a big deal.

5. "Insert anecdote about my relative/friend who did something in the military/another country and died/was injured." This does not help. It. Doesn't. Help. No. Don't do it.

It's not that I don't love anyone or don't appreciate their efforts. I try really hard in my life not to be over sensitive to what people say or do, but this one is difficult for me. So, what can you do to help me through this? Talk to me like there's nothing wrong. Invite me to go to lunch with you. Come play with me and Ivory. Call me and ask me about school.

The most recent great moment of heart-filling I've had was people just offering a hand. It was Bryce coming to sit next to me in the chapel at Skyler's homecoming. It was Lindsay being so inviting and kind and playing with Ivory. It was Shawn offering to carry my plate to the table and carrying Ivory's diaper bag to the car for me. What's the best way to console a military spouse going through a separation period? Offer a helping hand. Offer some time away from stress. Let them know that you're available, even if it's two in the morning and they just had a nightmare and can't call their husband.

Just be there.