Things to Never Say to a Military Spouse. You Know, Like, Ever.

As the hours rush away from me and the moment when I will have to cowgirl up and watch the love of my life fly away on his next great adventure, I notice people around me struggle to comfort me. It is really difficult to understand a situation that you have never faced. It's hard enough for me, as a military spouse myself, to understand the struggles of other military couples. This is simply because I haven't ever had to face the daunting daily lives they have.

 I am amazed, every time they pop up on my news feed, at the strength of some very awe-inspiring people; Jack's dear friend Clint and the ever beautiful Shantavia. I'm sure I creep them out, because I creep on them from time to time, but I so look up to them. They are stationed pretty much as far away from each other as they possibly can be without leaving the United States; but they are so strong. They love each other so dearly, and you can tell. I hope one day to be as strong as they are; because I'm sure they also have to deal with people who don't understand them on top of their difficult situation. And that is extremely trying.

Here are some things to avoid when trying to comfort a military spouse.

1. "At least they're not..." This has got to be my number one. "At least they're not going to..." "At least they're not leaving for __________ long..." Yes, it is great that he isn't doing "______" or going for "____ long," but what he IS doing and how long he IS going is difficult for me. Reminding me that things could be worse doesn't make me feel better. When you're having a bad day do you appreciate it when someone reminds you that you could be getting eaten alive by a wild pack of dogs? No. Because that's not what you're dealing with; and it will only invoke a jaw-dropped stare to find its way to your face. Thanks though.

2. "I haven't seen my girlfriend/boyfriend for ___ days." Wow, that really sucks. That sucks that you haven't seen someone who probably lives in the same state as you for a couple hours; maybe even the same county. I really do hope that you'll start feeling better. All I ask is that you don't tell me all the time, because it just shows me that I'll probably fall apart within a matter of hours. I'm trying to wear my big girl pants here.

3. "I don't think he deserves _________ because he hasn't done ________." That's really awesome that you have your own opinion, but I'm going to have to vehemently disagree with you. I'm going to Momma Bear up and tell you, as nicely as I can, that you couldn't pay me enough to make it okay that my husband is gone. He is not going to be here. How much money is enough to make you feel comfortable enough to give days of your life to someone else? What about those days of special significance? Would it cost a little bit more for you to miss your child's birth or their first steps? How much for your only child's graduation, or the last day before your spouse dies in a tragic accident? If you disagree with the insultingly small amount of reward my husband receives for volunteering his life and his family for everyone else in America, you can pony up and pay me yourself. I'll let you know when you've done enough.

4. "That's not so bad." You're right, it could be worse. Please tell me how long you've been in line to do it yourself? If it's not so bad, or "not a big deal," then why haven't you stepped up to the plate? Do you realize how small the percent is of Americans that serve in the military? If it's "not so bad" and "not a big deal," why don't more people do it? News flash, any amount of service, however small it may seem to you, is a big deal. Helping an old woman cross the street changes two lives just in that instance. Service, whatever it may be, has an exponential affect on the world. It's a big deal.

5. "Insert anecdote about my relative/friend who did something in the military/another country and died/was injured." This does not help. It. Doesn't. Help. No. Don't do it.

It's not that I don't love anyone or don't appreciate their efforts. I try really hard in my life not to be over sensitive to what people say or do, but this one is difficult for me. So, what can you do to help me through this? Talk to me like there's nothing wrong. Invite me to go to lunch with you. Come play with me and Ivory. Call me and ask me about school.

The most recent great moment of heart-filling I've had was people just offering a hand. It was Bryce coming to sit next to me in the chapel at Skyler's homecoming. It was Lindsay being so inviting and kind and playing with Ivory. It was Shawn offering to carry my plate to the table and carrying Ivory's diaper bag to the car for me. What's the best way to console a military spouse going through a separation period? Offer a helping hand. Offer some time away from stress. Let them know that you're available, even if it's two in the morning and they just had a nightmare and can't call their husband.

Just be there.