Lessons Learned from My Husband: Another Letter

My Sweet Little Miss,

The world is full of hurt, bad decisions and let downs; but it is not all bad. One day you will be swept off your feet and begin a new adventure in the safety of your own home. I'd like to say that it'll be in the arms of a gentleman like your father, but you never know anymore, so just as long as it's in the arms of someone like your father. It is tricky to find them, I promise you that. You will have to go through a lot of losers. A lot. But that's how you'll know what qualities you truly value in your significant other. I wouldn't appreciate your daddy nearly as much as I do if it weren't for all of those losers making him look like a super hero!

Marriage is hard. It's not a secret and I hope it's not a surprise. The reason why fairytales end at the wedding is because they don't want to scar little girls by showing them that Cinderella and her Prince argue over who spends more money. Living with someone else sucks. It sucks so much.

So Lesson 1: He will fart in bed. He will do it every night. You will always be right there, and he will do it anyway.

Lesson 2: He will eat his stupid snacks in your bed and he will get crumbs everywhere. Don't let him fool you, there will be crumbs and they will magically only appear on your side of the bed. If he tells you that the crumbs won't get everywhere he's lying!

Lesson 3: If there isn't a waste basket nearby, he will probably drop garbage on the ground. I'll just leave it at that.

Lesson 4: When he gets sick you will need to do everything, except maybe breathe, for him. You might have to help him breathe too though, so don't get your hopes up.

Lesson 5: When you get sick, you will still need to make his breakfast and do the house work. I don't know why that's how it works, but apparently that's how it works.

Lesson 6: You will occasionally be so irritated with him that even his breathing will offend you. In fact, every little thing he does will probably bring you to the edge at some point in your marriage.

Lesson 7: It's okay. It is okay that you might get mad, get annoyed or burst out in anger while you may or may not be on your period. It sucks to say, but you will disagree. And it's okay. What's not okay is name-calling, disrespect or bringing up any painful moments from the past. From either of you. If you have to walk away from each other and count to ten so you remember how to be compassionate and understanding, walk away for a minute. It's okay.

Lesson 8: Violence will never be an option ever. You won't ever hit or push each other down. You won't ever use violent or degrading language. It's not ever okay to hit a woman, but it's also not ever okay to hit a man. No violence, walk away if you must.

Lesson 9: He probably won't remember that your favorite flowers are daisies and not daffodils. He will not ever in his life be able to read your mind, and you should never expect that he will. That isn't fair. You will have to express that you don't want to go to that restaurant or that you aren't interested in that movie, or else you will suffer in silence. Remember to communicate.

Lesson 10: He will always be there when you need him. He will be the first to hold you when you cry. He will be your knight in shining armor and defend you till the death. He will always reassure you when you're doubting yourself. He will be your rock, your steadfast foundation. You can count on him.

Lesson 11: He will make you stronger. He will love you for your flaws and imperfections, and he will help you fill those holes within yourself. He will show you just how much you can do.

 Your dad is an amazing man. When I doubt myself he never hesitates to reassure me. When I'm pretty sure that this certification is going to kill me, he gives me the confidence to put my whole heart into it. When I labored with you and I said, "I can't." he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Yes you can." He was right next to me the entire time, even though he was exhausted. I will remember, even in my old age, his quiet, reassuring presence. Just by simply holding my hand he let me know that he would always be there to show me just how strong I am.

Finally, Lesson 12: For all of those little things that he does that will drive you crazy, there are at least twice as many little things he will do that take your breath away. It's in those quiet moments where intimacy makes its home. It's those little things that keep your passion on fire. He will not say the perfect thing all the time like the cute men in movies, but he will always make an imperfect situation a fond memory.

Your dad does the sweetest little things. I love that even though we have Friday nights set aside for a date, every week he ASKS if he can take me out. It's such a small act, but it means so much to me. I know that he will probably never come whisk me away on a horse on the beach, but he surprises me with random romance. He always kisses me goodbye, even when I am mad at him. He always asks me to drive safe even when I've just yelled at him. He always smiles when I come home. He asks to spend time alone with me.

And I know that even when he is away from us that he will always make me smile. He will always make me laugh. He will always make my heart flutter.

It is hard to be married. It is trying to live with someone else in your personal space. But it will be impossible for you to ever part.

Lessons Learned From Exes: A Letter to my Daughter

My sweetest Little Lady,

Mommy and Daddy love you so much. This world is so scary, there is so much hurt that I can't protect you from. I wish I could, but it's up to you to protect yourself. I hope you always know that I'll be here to boost you up if you need me. I will always hold your hand for as long as I can, but I can't always go into the dark with you. I promise I will be waiting for you to come back from whatever wanderings you may have. I just want you to take some things with you.

These are more of general Jr. High lessons. You are so, so beautiful. You are beautiful inside and out. I know that you probably won't have the perfect butt, I'm sorry that's my fault. Boys probably won't be talking about your rocking bod, or whatever kids say. But you are beautiful. You are a beautiful, amazing person, and that one special person will think that you are perfect. Don't let anyone ever bully you into thinking that you're not beautiful, because they are liars and they don't know you.

You're so brilliant. Everyone can already see how smart you are. You will do amazing things; I'm so excited to see what you will do with your life. All my life I've had this feeling that I have something important to do. My seminary teachers would tell me that there was something important that I was going to do to change the world. And little girl, I'm so sure that it's you. Nothing could have stopped you from coming into this world. You are not an accident, don't you ever let anybody tell you that. Your Heavenly Father sent you here to do something with all your smarts. Always remember how brilliant you are and never stop pursuing your education.

Now for some lessons from exes.

Lesson 1: You are ALWAYS better than peer pressure. People are going to try to convince you that you need to try some drug "at least once." Sweetie, you do not need to try anything "at least once." I never tried anything and my life is just fine. I never partied and I wasn't a social outcast. Hold strong to your convictions and don't submit to peer pressure, it's not even worth it. I watched too many people get tickets, their licenses taken away and lose friends over things that "you have to try at least once."

Lesson 2: You are worth sobriety. Yes, I was that jerk who did break up with my boyfriend when he started smoking pot. Because you're worth it. Don't settle for less.

Lesson 3: If someone hurts you, don't make it worse by hurting yourself. I could've struggled with it more, but I got lucky. I was able to stop after too long, but I do have those marks on my wrists. My eraser burns are still healing. Whatever it is that kids do to hurt themselves, please don't ever put yourself through that pain.

Lesson 4: You are not a "bitch." You're not anything that anyone ever calls you. Do not stand for disrespect like that. Don't give those people the time of day, they're not even worth it. Just walk away from them, don't even waste your breath on them. You are a beautiful Princess, the Daughter of a King. Don't let anyone convince you that you're anything less.

Lesson 5: This is the part that really gets hard. You don't ever deserve abuse, not ever. You can come to me, I will help you and I understand. Please don't stay quiet, don't pretend that everything is okay. I have been there in every sense of the word. Emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually; I know what abuse feels like. Don't ever allow anyone to lay their hands on you and hurt you. Don't ever allow anyone to beat you down with their words. Don't ever let anyone drag your emotions through the mud. You don't ever deserve to be treated that way.

Please, please don't ever let someone take something from you. It's so scary, I know that it's paralyzing. I know that you can't always vocalize the word "no." But please fight back. Don't ever let it go on for months. I know that pain and I don't ever want you to feel that. I don't ever want you to feel helpless. I don't ever want you to feel like you don't have any control, that you don't have a choice. You're so strong. You can fight back. You can say no. And you don't have to suffer through abuse for months.

Real love doesn't hurt. Real love doesn't leave you waiting around for the text or call that it finally has time for you. Real love never renders you to sleeplessness or a loss for appetite. Real love doesn't ask you to change. That is not love, it is simply abuse.

Real love is so deep and powerful that no matter the distance, it will still be there to comfort you.

Real love is sacrifice. Real love is compromise. Real love makes you smile.

Mommy and Daddy will always love you no matter what. But you will have struggles. You will hurt. You will make mistakes, and you will even fail. And I can't stop you. I can't protect you. Sometimes I won't be able to pick you up when you've fallen down.

But I promise that we still love you so much.

You will be given trials throughout your life. But you can handle them, I know you can. You are so strong. You are so brave. You are so smart. You are so beautiful. And one day someone will come along and love you for all your flaws, all your mistakes, all your weaknesses. And they will make you stronger, they will balance you out.

But until then, you have so much to learn. Life is hard, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it's fair. But I promise you can do it.

Preaching To The Choir.

The other day while shopping at the grocery store with my mom a ward friend of ours approached us. With a very serious look on her face she said to me, "Did you know that you're a high school dropout and a teenage mother?" I was so completely caught off guard I'm sure my jaw just dropped. She then smiled warmly and asked, "Do people really say things like that to you?"

She let me know that she enjoys reading my blog and is amazed at the things that people say to me. I'm personally amazed too, whether it's to my face or behind my back, I do know what you say about me.

I was raised to not be bothered by what others say to or about me. But I think my parents forgot to teach me to not be bothered by what others say to or about my family and friends. They also forgot to teach me to keep your stupid comments to myself, because even though I try to be a big girl I do have a bad habit of sharing your idiotic comments. I'll have to work on that, or something.

I don't think people realize the gravity of their thoughts, whether you say it out loud or whisper it to someone else, if it gets said you can't take it back.

So yes, people really do say awful, rotten things about me and my life. Do they really know what they're even talking about? No. So it doesn't affect me. Do they judge me without knowing anything about me? Yes. But I know that they will have to answer to someone else, and they will probably feel foolish about what they've done. So let's talk about some big kid things just for a minute.

No kids, I do not go to church every Sunday. Yes, I do occasionally forget to pray. No, I don't always read my scriptures. No, my husband doesn't carry the priesthood. No, we didn't get married in the temple. Yes, we had a child outside of marriage. I am aware of my life, thank you.

BUT, I am honest and open with my feelings. I am not two-faced. I don't decide to like people when they conform to my liking. Because I'm a real person, and I am flawed. Beautifully flawed; and I love it. I love that I can improve myself. I love that I need my Lord. I love that I need the atonement and that it is there for me. I am real. I don't live in my imaginary world where I'm perfect and fantastical. So, from your perspective, I guess I'm grateful to not have the Lord's full blessing in my life, whatever that is. I'm grateful to have the gospel in my life.

The real one.

The one where people help each other when we've fallen down. The one where people don't laugh at each other because, "What, did you get married in the temple? Haha." How ridiculously asinine. The one where we don't tell each other how long you have to go to church before you can feel the spirit, especially if you have no idea what you're even talking about. Because the gospel is so deeply intimate and personal that the relationship between everyone else and God is so not your business.

I have been raised in the gospel my whole life. I would say church, but "the church" is some weird cultish adaption made by some crazed person who feels the need to shove their personal beliefs down everyone's throats. You start looking awful silly when you're telling others around you things about the church, try to pass it off as the gospel, and judge people who practice the gospel instead of the church. The gospel, as I view it, is your thing. Do your thing. Learn and grow and flourish in the knowledge that you can understand. It's so complex that there are so many different levels to it that people are on. And it's okay if people aren't on your level. It's okay. It's really, seriously okay.

When I started my degree my first class was psychology. One night we had a discussion about the Utah County bubble and how it made people feel in the class who weren't Mormon. I sat quietly, because the Mormons weren't supposed to say anything yet, and listened to all of the girls in the class tell the same story. They all walked into church one day a pregnant, unwed teenager, were consequently harassed and put down, and never walked into a church again. Because of people. How ridiculously asinine. This is the culture of Utah County, Utah. People feeling so insecure about their short comings that they have to put down those who's mistakes are visible.

How would you feel if every mistake you made was splashed on your face? If every drink you ever had stained your skin? Every time you smoked cigarettes or drugs that the smell stayed with you forever? If the name of every person you ever slept with was tattooed on your face, would you maybe cut somebody else some slack? You are not perfect, and if you think you are then you need help the most. Please come back to me when you have some real hardship in your life and understand what being a grown up really is.

Pretty sure we were all told not to judge someone because they sin differently than we do.

And really don't judge somebody if they know all your dirty little secrets, because then you start looking really dumb.

What Loneliness Really Feels Like

Confession time: I really, honestly hate it when I have to deal with those who haven't seen their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse for "ever" or who "never get to see them." Because it's seriously obnoxious. So, you live your relationship based off text? That's great! I would've loved the chance to text Jack in the middle of the night when I had nightmares; instead I wrote letters and waited a week for a response. So, you never get to see him/her because of your "busy" schedules? That's fantastic. Even as I sit here and type this I haven't seen my husband since this morning when we exchanged a hug, a kiss, and a brief discussion of what laundry needs to be done. If we don't count that, then the last time I saw him was around 2 this morning when I got up to make his coffee. The next time I'll see him is the time between 10 pm and 2 am when I finally get to come home and sleep next to him. And that's just today.

I got to live all but TWO MONTHS of my pregnancy without him. Thank goodness I missed the first six months, because that one month when I did know and he STILL wasn't there was miserable. He didn't hold my hand while we waited for the test results. He didn't see our daughter's face on the ultrasound when I did. He didn't hear her heartbeat for the first time with me. I had to wait for hours just to tell him that we were expecting. I went to appointments alone. I took my blood sugar by myself. Every night I laid in bed, feeling Ivory move inside me and knew that Jack could only see her move on Skype.

Seven days out of seven months, I got to see him face to face. That boils down to once a month; and half the time he couldn't hold my hand because he was in uniform.

I had to wonder if he'd be here for our anniversary this year, and I got lucky. But he'll be missing our daughter's first birthday; the only first birthday she will ever have. Will he miss her first steps? Her first boo-boo? Her first day of school? Because we only get one.

And I'm lucky.

There are those who have to say goodbye longer than I do. A good friend of mine is losing her boyfriend to South Korea for 18 months; do the two days that you didn't get to see him/her seem stupid now? Because they're looking pretty stupid.

There are those who have had to say goodbye and wonder if their spouse, their son or daughter, their sister or brother, their mother or father will ever come home.

There are those who have had to say goodbye forever because they didn't make it home. Not from their tour. Not from that commute to work. Not from that vacation. Not from that quick trip to the store.

There are those, even still, who have lived their whole life next to that one person. Who are so madly, deeply and intimately in love. Who have had an entire lifetime of experience and growth together. They now wake up, everyday, knowing that they are alone. That person is gone.

I am lucky, and I can't complain for too long, because I remember that there are those whose hearts are so burdened by grief. And I would be embarrassed if they ever caught me complaining that I didn't get to spend time with my husband today. I remember; shouldn't you?