Life... And Death. Why?

Our life was turned a little upside-down Friday morning. We lost our Grandpa Charlie; it still hasn't completely sunk in. In such a short time there are already so many memories. What are we going to do without him here? 

We were just barely too late to say "I love you" one last time. I keep thinking that maybe, if one thing had just gone different. Just one thing. I just have to keep reminding myself, at least I was able to meet him; at least he was able to be here to see Jack earn his uniform; at least he was here to see Jack and me get married; at least he was here to meet Ivory and see her get blessed.

 

The first time I met Grandpa Charlie was last Christmas. 

At our wedding he parked himself right by the door to greet everyone that was coming in. There was a line going out the door because he talked to everyone so much and for so long; all we could do was watch! He danced any time he could get himself to his feet; he would play his harmonica for the children. He told us that he was an entertainer; his whole family was entertainers!

 Grandpa Charlie always found himself a couple of pretty girls to listen to his stories.

He loved our little Ivory. He always said that she was his "kid" and that she was beautiful.

Grandpa Charlie always said he got Jack into the military, and asked him every time he saw him, "You got those bars yet?"




















How can we say goodbye to Grandpa Charlie? I still don't know if we can. But at least he is with the love of his life again; at least he is happy. We love you Charlie!

Busy.

Who knew being an adult made your life so... busy? When am I even supposed to sleep? There is so much to be done, and it always feels like it all needed to be done yesterday.

There's this list. You know: graduate high school, go to college, get a career, get married, have a family, then... who knows what then. Whatever "then" entails, I still needed to get it done yesterday. Can't I just finish college already since I started it? When will I get a career? A good one to support my family with, to build my dream house with, and tour the world on. Do I have to enter a secret code? And why didn't I enter that code yesterday?

Life just feels rushed. We have a plan in place, doesn't that mean it can happen already? Can't I graduate from school yet? Can't Jack finish his school yet? Am I retired yet? Is it time to die yet? I feel like everyday is slipping through my fingers, I just can't catch it fast enough. Where is all my time?

My sweet princess just keeps growing, no matter how much I try to make her shrink again. How is she going to see her mommy when she turns one? Where are all my successes that I can show her? All the things I can't buy for her, all the pictures that I'm too slow to catch?

Am I an awful mom because I'm so dang busy? I can only pray that she won't notice all my short comings.

Life is Hard... And Terribly Fair.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I definitely pulled the short straw. In this world of quick fixes and handouts, I got stuck with a mom who actually raised me to be independent. I don't get to have quick fixes. I don't get handouts. Not even a little one. .

Life is hard. Sometimes I look at other people's trials and go, I'm glad I'm not them. I wouldn't know what to do in a lot of situations. By the same token, I'm sure people look at my life and wonder how I'm still alive. I guess that just goes to show that we're given trials according to our ability. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't exactly wear my beliefs on my sleeve, but there is one thing that's really standing out to me lately. I only took one year of seminary, and I was a horrible student, but one thing stuck with me.

1 Corinthians 10:13 
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 

I get reminded of that verse every time I face something that I don't think I can handle. And, inevitably, I always end up being just fine somehow. I can't even stay knocked down for long because I have this persistent nagging in the back of my head that I need to get up and just keep moving forward.

I have times when I want to stay on my bottom and scream, "It's not fair! Nothing is fair!" But I can't, because it would be a lie. My grandpa always told my mom, "Life is fair; life is terribly fair." There's this profound truth that will always be the answer anytime anyone in my family complains. I want to stomp my feet that I don't have nice things just handed to me, that I don't get any easy outs, that I don't get to sit around. But life is fair; I did get a loving family, a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. My parents never bought me everything I wanted; I got lessons in hard work and independence. I've been knocked down hard so many times; but I got to get back up even stronger than before. Life is terribly, terribly fair; and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

Growing Up Too Fast

There's this weird fear that most people have of "growing up too fast." I'm, obviously, not one of those people. This fear is one of those things in life that I can't even begin to wrap my brain around, how can people grow up "too" fast?

A really awesome guy once said, "If you stop moving forward, you're moving backwards." Everyone is continually moving forward, and the instant you stop you begin to get left behind. I really wish I didn't have to watch people around me get left behind, but I have no desire to stop with them and goof off. Then again, I've never had the desire to goof off; maybe that's why I don't understand people who are scared of growing up.

If there's one thing that drives me nuts in this world, it's people that are scared to move forward. Not because they're sissies, but because they inevitably try to pull me back to their level. "Like if you're a 90's baby with no baby" has got to be my biggest pet peeve. Yeah, I have a baby. I happen to love her a great deal and couldn't imagine my life without her. It makes me sad to see people my age bagging on the fact that people their age are getting married. So what? Some of us are lucky enough to find the person we want to be with for the rest of our lives earlier than others. I can't understand why people treat me like being married and having a child is some kind of curse. I'm so lucky to have my family and I'm so happy to be where I am!

So, I guess I'm not normal for my age. I don't like to go out and party, sleep around or do drugs. I like to be a wife, and a mother, and someone who is doing something with their time here instead of squandering it away like an ungrateful child. I don't want to be a thirty year old who still lives in their parent's basement, who never went to school, all alone at some minimum wage fast food job. Everybody grows up, not everybody matures. Nobody can stop time, so why would you stop yourself?

"If you stop moving forward, you're moving backwards." I refuse to stop; shouldn't you?

31 Days Later

It's weird that life can go so fast, yet so slow, at the same time. Has it really only been 31 days since my angel came into the world? It seems like it been so much longer than that; it feels like time went by so fast!

Ivory Marie, seconds after she was born.

Meeting our Aunt NaRhea and Uncle Eric!

Loving our grandma Annette, great-grandpa Charlie and Aunt Chrissy!

Spending time with our daddy; our favorite thing!

                        

                            Spending time with our Grammie!                     Our first bath!

Loving the camera with our big smiles :]

          Taking our socks off...                  Trying on new outfits         And enjoying our new ride!

Daddy's little Airman, miss Ivory Marie!

♥ I can't believe you're already a whole month old, we love you little bear! ♥

It's a Girl... I think.

It was one of those things that seemed like it would never actually come, but before I knew it I was in a triage room pushing,

I was lying next to Jack that Friday night, half asleep, when I was woken up by a really strong contraction. I had been contracting for the past two and a half weeks, but this one was different. I wasn't the only one who noticed, because Jack immediately asked me what was wrong. After about an hour of these contractions we woke up my mom to go to the hospital when I noticed I had a bloody show. I played my Hypnobabies relaxation music on the drive and cuddled up with Jack in the backseat. My mom pulled up and Jack ran me inside in a wheelchair while she parked. I kept my music in my ears while we waited an hour in the triage room. Even though I felt like I was making progress, I wasn't contracting quick enough to stay and we were sent home with a shot of morphine. I was given morphine the week before to try and stop my non-progressing contractions and give me the chance to sleep, but this time I was up all night.

Saturday morning I tried to comfort myself with a warm bubble bath in our jetted tub. We loaded back into the van and headed back to the hospital. This time Dr. Juchau decided to keep me and I had a rush of relief that we were actually going to get somewhere. We had made the decision that we were going to have a natural birth shortly after we found out I was pregnant, and it was very difficult! As the day went on I stopped dilating, I was stalled out at six centimeters. Dr. Juchau broke my water to see if it would help, but I still couldn't dilate. I was given pitocin, which got me dilating again, but it also made my contractions harder. They offered fentanyl to help take the edge off and I gladly accepted.

It got to be about eight at night when I was checked again. I was dilating, but my cervix was also swelling. Dr. Juchau made the decision to put in an epidural to see if the swelling would go down. As much as I wanted a natural birth, I wanted to avoid a cesarean more, and I accepted the epidural.

A lot of people asked me why I wanted to go natural, and my response was that I didn't want to be disconnected from the experience. I was often chastised that an epidural goes into your back and doesn't affect your consciousness; but everyone who told me this was incredibly wrong. I knew the instant it started working, not because the discomfort was gone, but because I felt like I had left my body. I slept through the next couple hours and was woken around ten by Dr. Juchau when he came in to check the swelling. It had completely gone down and I was fully dilated and effaced. He told me that they would give me an hour to rest and then we'd start pushing; a process he told me might take up to two hours. He left the room- and I kid you not- just like a revolving door the nurse walked in. She also checked me, then informed me that we would begin pushing.

That was the shortest hour of my life!! Everyone started moving around me and I lost track of what was going on. Before I knew it I was all hitched up and the nurse was explaining to me how to push. I hate to admit this, but I was terrified. I knew that I was complaining that I wanted this thing out, but now I actually had to push it out! I panicked inside myself and told myself I wasn't ready to actually push a living person out of me. It was 10:19 pm when I gave my first push; and it was the most energy zapping thing I had ever done. I was supposed to keep doing this for two hours?!

No. I pushed as hard as I could each time; this was not going to last two whole hours! All at once I felt a pop; and someone said that the head was out. I had another contraction and pushed with my all; and felt another pop. And then another. I felt the arms literally fly out of me, it was the strangest feeling in the world. Dr. Black held up a baby, and exhausted I asked Jack, "What is it?" Of course I already knew the answer, I had already determined that it was a boy and there was no way that it wasn't a boy. No way.

"It's a girl... I think." I was sure that he just saw it wrong, because it was definitely NOT a girl. And then "Ivory." was set on my belly. No. Way. I was convinced that they had pulled out the wrong baby and there was actually a boy in there; they had to put this one back and get the right baby out. But there she was, and she was mine. I immediately wouldn't let them put her back, because this was my baby. She was mine and I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect.

Ivory Marie Tanner was born at 10:42 pm Saturday August 11th, 2012. She weighed 7 pounds and 11 ounces; twenty inches long. And one hundred percent perfect.

Confessions of a High School Dropout

If you asked 15 year-old me where she saw herself in three years, she'd tell you that she would live in Washington state enjoying a full ride to Puget Sound University working towards her M.D. She would ramble on for hours about her plans for education and a successful career; she wouldn't mention anything about dating, getting married or having a family. She would probably laugh if you asked her if she would have a family one day; families don't make you an internationally renowned Marine Biologist. 15 year-old me wouldn't believe the woman I am today.

I did pretty well in school, provided I did my homework. I never glanced at drugs or alcohol; I had plans for the future. January of my junior year in high school I got my first job-- I didn't know it then, but it was one of the biggest life changes I ever made. I met the love of my life in the kitchen of that restaurant.

The moment our lips first touched I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with Jack. They say that there's a spark between you and that special someone; there's always a magical electricity between us that never seems to go away. Which was a great blessing when he was away for basic training and tech school; even through the months I was still crazy in love with him. It was hard to have him gone for so long, I would sometimes jokingly tell him over the phone that he should have just knocked me up so I wouldn't be so lonely without him.

In the beginning of February my senior year in high school my mom was informed that I was on truancy. This was silly; due to medical issues I frequently had difficulty in the morning. The school viewed my multiple tardies and absences as truancy and threatened my mom with legal action; even with the doctor's notes and diagnoses'. We made the decision to pull me out of school and I got my GED (scoring a 714 composite score out of a possible 800!) I was happy to receive my High School Diploma but the absence of school left me alone. So I ate, a lot. I started gaining weight and my mom started noticing; so we started going to the gym together. I didn't lose any weight and my belly button started sticking out; I was so frustrated!

One night I started having muscle spasms in my stomach and I contributed it to the vigorous work out routine. But the spasms kept happening the next night and I began to get worried. What if I had an intestinal worm? I called Jack and told him about it and he urged me to go to the doctor. I spent that morning at work being scared; and then I got a text from my sissy asking if I was pregnant. I almost laughed, but then I started to question it myself. She set an appointment with her doctor and brought me a sack of prenatal vitamins. I talked to Jack and we seriously considered the possibility. The next night after a Slumber Party at my sissy's house I sat down with my mom and my sissy; we talked about what would happen if the test came back positive.

The morning of my appointment I talked to Jack before he left for school; I hated that I had to go by myself but I knew that he wasn't going to magically fly back from Texas just to hold my hand. So I held my sissy's hand as she pulled up the test results on her laptop; and I stared at the little pink "positive" on the screen. We went to tell my mom, then made the horrifying journey to tell my step dad. I anxiously waited for Jack to call from his dinner break. I broke the news to him and he immediately responded with, "Wait a minute, I have to call Payton!"

15 year-old me wouldn't believe the woman I am today. But from the view point of a high school dropout, I wouldn't change a thing.