You're Good Enough For You; That's Good Enough.

The saying is that you learn something new everyday. How true this is. Every day, I grow 24 hours older and gain 24 hours more experience that comes with 24 hours worth of new knowledge. Along with an extra 24 hours worth of frustrations, head aches, heart breaks, successes, and new opportunities. Of course, this is all nicely wrapped with a hope that tomorrow will be better; because no matter how your day went, you can always use a better day tomorrow. Over a lifetime we accumulate seemingly unfathomable hours worth of learning; but there's one lesson that I can't get off my mind lately.

Every minute, every day I'm coming closer to fulfilling a deeply held dream of mine; one I feel passionate about. When we first got the news I was so excited! However, I managed to maintain a cautious composure and decided, with Jack, to only share this impending news with those who are close to us. One by one, the news was shared and family and friends were delighted.


Mostly.


My train got derailed at full speed when I was suddenly faced with a negative response. I was shocked; I was angry; I was hurt. How was this accomplishment that is so close to my heart be interpreted as negative in any light? My heart broke as I realized that I wasn't getting the recognition that I wanted.

Thinking back on my feelings, they're honestly childish. I think it had such a huge impact on me because the response came from a source that I felt should have been more supportive than anyone else. But it wasn't. I dare even call it jealousy, and I'll admit to it. I have grown
up my whole life in the shadow, slipping through the cracks. Never really being there and not being acknowledged by anyone, but in the room the entire time. I watched praise and continue to watch praise be handed out to others over, what I feel, to be lesser accomplishments than mine. I never knew what kind of psychological effect being invisible had on me until I met the love of my life and best friend. I never recognized the toll I allowed it to take on my self esteem. 

It took me a while to accept the fact that I wasn't ever going to get the recognition I wanted, and that's okay. It's more than okay really, it's great. Going through this has forced me to stop and look at myself; and I realized that I'm proud of myself. That's all that matters in the end. We will go through our entire lives and at no point will we have absolute approval of everyone around us; and that is completely okay. Someone will always be the small voice that tells you no, that tells you that you can't do it, that tells you that you'll fail. The beauty is that the voice really is tiny, even though sometimes it seems to be the only thing that we can hear. We can push past it and say you're wrong, I can!

After analyzing it all, I realize that the fault is mine. I allowed myself to stay silent. I told myself that I was fine on my own. I was, and am still, a very independent woman who knows what she wants. I did my own thing; but as I reached my adult years and remained independent, I realized I never let anyone get close to me. I always kept to myself because I couldn't let myself down. Part of me longs for those connections that every little girl has into her adult years. The more logical part of me is grateful for the opportunity I have to create and reinforce my lifelong relationships with a better understanding of life and my dreams and ambitions. I have found my value, and as a consequence found a close knit family that recognizes my value. 

Part of growing up is realizing that adults really have no idea what they're doing. It's a shock when you figure out that the adults in your life were never perfect, that they made mistakes, that they're human. Even worse, in that moment it's solidified that you're human, that you will fail, that you will make mistakes. The cheering squad you had while you were growing up has gone silent; and in some instances have gone on the offensive to break you down and belittle your dreams.

So, I've reached this point now where I've felt the absence of support. What do I do now? Where do I turn?

I've started to learn that I can turn to myself. I know what I want, and I know how to get it; and now as I'm reaching my goals and conquering my dreams, I don't feel the emptiness I did before. My best is good enough for me, and that's good enough. I don't need a pedestal; I don't need to be cheered; heck, I don't even need acknowledgement that I actually got off my butt and did something today, because I know that I accomplished something.

I can turn to those that I surround myself with. I have had the pleasure and fortune to fall deeply and madly in love with an amazing, selfless and inspiring man. In turn, I have been adopted into a warm and caring family of brilliant and giving people. I have carved out a place of my own within a wonderful, supportive and loving group of friends that I fondly call my very own handpicked family.

I'm proud of what I've done and where I am now. I am the best mom I can possibly be, and I think I'm doing a pretty dang good job. Sure, I get told "Mama, no!" on a daily basis and occasionally have to walk away from a grocery store meltdown, but I'm also cuddled, loved and followed around the house. I get copied when I'm brushing my hair and have to stop halfway through doing my make-up so that she can also apply "blush" and candy flavored chap stick. I'm a stellar wife, and I've got a pretty stellar husband to prove it. He's absolutely spoiled because he absolutely spoils me. He is an extremely dedicated provider, husband and father; I'd like to think I'm just as much a mother and wife as he is a father and husband. I work hard to accomplish my goals, and even though things get tough, I always pull through.

At the end of the day, I have a beautiful, loving family, great friends and a bright future. That's all that matters.