I know that it is a completely harmless question, so I don't hold any resentment to those who ask. Sometimes I just wish I could take people by the shoulders and make them understand how badly I want Ivory to be an only child. Is this a selfish desire? Oh yes, entirely. I almost can't handle the thought of another child. Not because I wouldn't love them, but because I want to protect them from being precisely that, number two.I am terrified to have a number two. I'm heartbroken to think that I could cause someone the pain of being number two. I couldn't bear bringing a beautiful spirit into this world, just to have them live their life in the shadow of someone else.
I am a number two.
I actually feel more like a number 6, but I know that I'm a number two. I can't handle the thought of my child growing up and feeling the way I do. That, to me, is more selfish than keeping Ivory an only child.
When you have a child, there is an instant, deep, intimate and emotional bond that you form with them. There's nothing you wouldn't do for them, no challenge you wouldn't overcome for them; and in a way it cripples your ability to be a parent. You become a friend. It's one of the easiest parenting mistakes to make, and I'm terrified that I will make it. You gain a unique friendship with your oldest child, and every subsequent child becomes, you guessed it, number two.When you're number two, you're never as much, or as good, as number one. Your accomplishments aren't nearly as impressive, and your mistakes are less pardonable. There comes a point when the friendship that was formed long before you existed is more important. The big moments in your life aren't as big, because someone else has already done them; and any big moment in your that hasn't already been done becomes a constant guilt trip. How could you have the audacity to usurp the greatness that came before you?
The reality is, I'm terrified that I won't be able to give a second child the love, the attention, and the treatment they deserve. There are so many wonderful mothers that have so many children who are all dearly loved. I am in awe of them. I worry that I can't do what they can. When it comes down to it, I'm sure that we will have at least one more child. But, I'm also sure that it won't be anytime soon. So, you may ask us as much as you want when we'll bring another sweet spirit into this world, and I will smile every time. I know that now isn't the time, and I know that we will have many more changes in our lives before that time comes. As it is now, I'm not ready, Ivory isn't ready, Jack's not ready, and our little boo isn't ready to come to Earth yet. For a baby is never late, nor is he ever early, but rather, he arrives precisely when he means.