What Loneliness Really Feels Like

Confession time: I really, honestly hate it when I have to deal with those who haven't seen their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse for "ever" or who "never get to see them." Because it's seriously obnoxious. So, you live your relationship based off text? That's great! I would've loved the chance to text Jack in the middle of the night when I had nightmares; instead I wrote letters and waited a week for a response. So, you never get to see him/her because of your "busy" schedules? That's fantastic. Even as I sit here and type this I haven't seen my husband since this morning when we exchanged a hug, a kiss, and a brief discussion of what laundry needs to be done. If we don't count that, then the last time I saw him was around 2 this morning when I got up to make his coffee. The next time I'll see him is the time between 10 pm and 2 am when I finally get to come home and sleep next to him. And that's just today.

I got to live all but TWO MONTHS of my pregnancy without him. Thank goodness I missed the first six months, because that one month when I did know and he STILL wasn't there was miserable. He didn't hold my hand while we waited for the test results. He didn't see our daughter's face on the ultrasound when I did. He didn't hear her heartbeat for the first time with me. I had to wait for hours just to tell him that we were expecting. I went to appointments alone. I took my blood sugar by myself. Every night I laid in bed, feeling Ivory move inside me and knew that Jack could only see her move on Skype.

Seven days out of seven months, I got to see him face to face. That boils down to once a month; and half the time he couldn't hold my hand because he was in uniform.

I had to wonder if he'd be here for our anniversary this year, and I got lucky. But he'll be missing our daughter's first birthday; the only first birthday she will ever have. Will he miss her first steps? Her first boo-boo? Her first day of school? Because we only get one.

And I'm lucky.

There are those who have to say goodbye longer than I do. A good friend of mine is losing her boyfriend to South Korea for 18 months; do the two days that you didn't get to see him/her seem stupid now? Because they're looking pretty stupid.

There are those who have had to say goodbye and wonder if their spouse, their son or daughter, their sister or brother, their mother or father will ever come home.

There are those who have had to say goodbye forever because they didn't make it home. Not from their tour. Not from that commute to work. Not from that vacation. Not from that quick trip to the store.

There are those, even still, who have lived their whole life next to that one person. Who are so madly, deeply and intimately in love. Who have had an entire lifetime of experience and growth together. They now wake up, everyday, knowing that they are alone. That person is gone.

I am lucky, and I can't complain for too long, because I remember that there are those whose hearts are so burdened by grief. And I would be embarrassed if they ever caught me complaining that I didn't get to spend time with my husband today. I remember; shouldn't you?