Being a Big Kid.

Why is it so frustrating to be a big kid?

There are so many opportunities, freedoms and choices that come with being a big kid. I get to choose how to spend my money, what to do and when, what to eat, and all sorts of fun, big kid stuff. But there are so many bills to pay, so many commitments to attend to, so much laundry... Laundry everywhere! Why can't I have my freedoms without the rest of the big kid garbage?

I imagine this is how most people feel; I'm shocked at how many people at on it. How many people want all their big kid toys, but front their bills to bigger kids, because the world says it's okay.

So why can't I just take the hardships and shove them off onto someone else? Why do I have to make the tough decisions?

Life likes to toss in some hard things with all those nice things that you want. I still don't know what I want to do with some of those hard things. Life decided to drop a big pile of "hope you figure it out" on me two days before my nineteenth birthday. My biological father was released from prison where he's been since I was about three. I didn't think much of it, until one night my Grandma Brewster called. I answered excitedly, because I love the opportunities I have to talk to her, and was greeted with a much deeper voice. My father, looking for my mom at the number that my Grandma had. I was paralyzed, not from fear, loathing or any other sort strong emotion, but from an overwhelming sensation of nothingness. There was nothing to prepare me for this moment. I think he was caught off guard as well, because his speech was halting. I think he wasn't sure what to say, or how to say it.

I didn't know what to say. What can you say to someone who is supposed to be so much to you, but you know nothing about? I can't hate him or like him. I don't know who he is, what he thinks, what he likes to read or thinks about the environment. He's a perfect stranger to me; and I'm lost.

I'm lost and there's nothing for me to grab onto. I'm at the bottom of a well with no way out. I know there are those who would reach down to help me up, but I'm simply too far down to be reached. Too far down to have anyone to relate to.

I always turn to my mom for help, but she can't help me this time. Because I'm a big kid, and I have to make this hard decision on my own.